When will it stop!?

I just want it to stop! It’s pouring rain tonight. Cold, damp, dark. It’s the perfect habitat for misery. With no one to hold, no one to talk to but little icons on my instant messenger clients. No voice, reassuring or otherwise. This rain will pass, just as I’m sure this low, down, dirty feeling will eventually subside. It’s a given. I’m like a yo-yo, twisting in a circle as I’m lowered down to the ground. A few bumps and bruises and with a little jerk, I’m spiraling all the way up again. It’s a hell of a ride! Queasiness sets in. Ever have that feeling where there’s a million bugs inside you, eating away at your stomach walls, ready to spread out and contaminate your other organs? there’s so many metaphors I can use. So many ways to describe this… I’m trying to pick and choose the right words to spell out, as accurately as I can, what I’m feeling right now. Misery? Sadness? Hate? Loneliness? Depression? Which word shall I use? My mind is a mesh of jumbled words. Feel like I’m caught in the middle of this busy city full of drunks, stumbling about, knocking into me. Ah, there I go with the metaphors again. A fly caught in a web? An elderly man on his deathbed waiting for the end. How ignorant of me to assume that’s how a dying man feels or how a fly feels caught in that silky smooth death grip of a spider’s web. How not so ignorant of me to identify these feelings as depression. Or is that ignorance? blinded by society and it’s perception of mental illness? I’m rambling aren’t I? Don’t know how to stop that. I hurts, hurts so bad inside me right now. I’ve taken my prozac, my zolpidem. I’m tempted to take a few of my dad’s pills and sleep an everlasting sleep. Do I have the guts to do it? I don’t think so. I’ve lost friends, made enemies and now it’s time to walk away from it all. I’ve even found love or what I think is love. Heart racing, incessant smiling. Is that not love? If it is, why do I still feel self-doubt, self-loathing, depression!? Someone give me some easy answers, some pills to dull the pain. There’s an easy way out but with it comes no 2nd chance. It either you do or you don’t. When you do, you’re done, done, done in. There’s no checkpoint with auto-save. You end it, you start again. No wait, you don’t. There’s no restart. So tell me what choice do I have? continue down this perpetually dark road or veer off into the bushes and over that awe inspiring cliff where the tourists of yesterday sang merry songs and hugged merry kids. “Let’s all celebrate our vacation with a picture, kids!” But no, poor kid had to see something. He screams “Mommy!!! Mommy!!!” She races to his side, obviously worried, preparing her arms for the onslaught of hugs and crying kids. There he lay, or rather I lay. Birds pecking at my half-eaten face, picking me off one by one. The noose around my neck still as tight as ever. Can you imagine a man in his early twenties, a brown man, dangling off the rails at some historical monument, some amazing, breathtaking scene, feet dangling, eyes long since plopped out by the birds. Can you imagine what those kids saw? yes, it was/is a terrible site. That will be me or may be me. I don’t know. Note the zolpidem kicking in? Well you should. I’m rambling x2, it’s getting worse. Quickly, I must leave…

END GAME

Random shot in the dark

Was having lunch at the Royal Suva Yacht Club today and took a few pics from my iPhone. Nothing spectacular and I suppose not even halfway decent but I do like them.

Check out a few more shots on my flickr photostream.

Dependency

Maybe I really am too dependent on others. I don’t really know. All I can say with absolute certainty is I am feeling extremely down today. Feels like I just got stabbed and every second, the knife is twisted deeper and deeper into my body. It’s pushed it’s way so deep I doubt it’ll ever be able to come out. My blood seeps, spilling dark red on the floor. Oil slick red, the kind only a Texan would love. Painkillers out of reach, a foot stool too high. Not that it matters. I can barely move. I close my eyes…give me a minute…we’ll see if they ever open…

Busy week with more to come

My days are filled with activity. My departure from this anti-paradise looms near. Eventually I shall be rid of all this weight. The wounds shall gradually heal with a combination of antidepressants, love and independence. Ironic how I mention independence with antidepressants. Of course I am referring to my being on my own, away from my immediate family. I hope this need to struggle for survival will give me the motivation I need to live. Complacency has made me a withered old flower, just waiting for the last wisp of wind to blow away my discolored petals. I hope to see a real psychiatrist while I’m there. One that feels compelled to help me and not just prescribe. I do want the meds but I want them to help. M&M’s have more of an effect on me. If I could take an M&M every hour I would no doubt be much happier.

That is it for now. I have taken my daily dose of anti-D and I can already feel that settling fog that is Prozac.

Sick…mind, body and soul.

It’s close to 3am here in Fiji. Yes, I live in Fiji. It’s considered paradise by many but it really is just like any other place, full of crazies, disease and unemployment. It’s a filthy spot on the world map and if you peer down from horribly interfaced hell that is Google Earth, you’ll see a dark spot, dark within dark, the sort of dar that’s darker than dark. That dark is me. Sure I’m brown but I’m not being literal here. My darkness is a colored extension of my mind at this current moment. Dark thoughts everywhere, come one, come all! The urge to take a hundred pills and sleep an everlasting sleep is at the fron of my mind. I’ve used up the last of my Zolpidem so I don’t have anything to put me to sleep now. I’ve taken my cold & flu meds but that unfortunately doesn’t seem to knock me out. So I’m sitting at my computer, typing out all the depressing thought racing through my head. I need an outlet. I fear I’m going to push away one of the few friends I have by speaking further ill on MSN messenger. It’s the trend, you see. I never have anything for too long. Be it love, money, friendship or happiness. The only feeling that stays with me is deep, debilitating sadness. I don’t know what depression is, I don’t pretend to. By saying I’m depressed, I just feel like one of the flock. It’s so common these days. The term is almost trite.

“I am depressed” – No that doesn’t seem to help me.

“I am sad, lonely, tired of living this futile life and want out” – Getting warmer.

“I am nothing and will continue to be nothing” – Bingo!

Do my words make sense? I suppose not. To be fair, nothing I ever say makes much sense. I’m a man of hypocrisy. I attempt to help the depressed by saying that which I barely believe myself. How can I be of any help? I feel as if my soul purpose in this world is to waste bandwidth and bless you lord for giving me such little bandwidth. Guess that’s a metaphor really. The lord provides me with life but oh so very little. Along the way, my packets are lost, somewhere in the bowels of TCP/IP. I am a dial-up connection ina  world of broadband. Of course there are others worse off than me so why am I so darn depressed? (Oh there we go with that D word again) I have food, clothes, a family (not particularly loving or caring but that may be due to our awkwardness with showing real emotion), a Macbook (getting old but still running), an iPhone (my second love) and a girl living millions of miles away who loves me so much. I don’t have many friends, if any, outside the internet but I have so much already. So why am I so bloody depressed? (I honestly hate that D word). My past? Barely had an eventful one. Spent most of my time playing video games.Maybe that’s what I’m missing; history. While living in Hawaii I had some good times but I don’t remember them too well. Coming here I’ve had nothing but misery and while I don’t remember exactly what brought that on in my childhood, I know it haunts me to this day.

So as I sit here, waiting for the drugs to kick in and make me drowsy enough to sleep, I ponder my existence, the futility of my being and just who’d care if I were to ‘end game’.

To those that I know reading this post, I am sorry for saying such disheartening things. I can not stop these thoughts.

I’m sorry for the jumbled mess that is this post. As you can see my mind is quite incoherent. Actually this post is a lot better than my mind. I wonder how bad I’ll feel when I stop writing. Too many “I’s” for one post.

END GAME

blah

Having one of those downers. Thought Prozac was supposed to help me with this. Doesn’t seem to be doing a thing. I’d love to make some creative, imaginative post describing my mood, what I’m feeling right now but I can’t even string a few proper sentences together…

…and so I end this trivial post.

Wish I could end my life as easily as I end this post.

Waiting…

Consumed by the harsh light of my monitor, I sit here waiting for you to wake.

Eyes glued to your contact status, willing it to turn green and signal your availability.

It’s been too long for me, too long without hearing your sweet voice, your quirky sounds and that forever habitual word you mutter.

As I’ve said before, nanoseconds to microseconds to milliseconds and so forth. Each eventual rise in magnitude making me long for you even more.

Sometimes I can hear your sweet voice, like some distant childhood memory. Jungle gyms, seesaws and happy smiles.

I shall wait a few minutes longer, burying myself in some meaningless task to pass the time. Wake soon, my love, this loneliness is hard to bear.

Consumed by the harsh light of my monitor, I sit here waiting for you to wake.

Eyes glued to your contact status, willing it to turn green and signal your availability.

It’s been too long for me, too long without hearing your sweet voice, your quirky sounds and that forever habitual word you mutter.

As I’ve said before, nanoseconds to microseconds to milliseconds and so forth. Each eventual rise in magnitude making me long for you even more.

Sometimes I can hear your sweet voice, like some distant childhood memory. Jungle gyms, seesaws and happy smiles.

I shall wait a few minutes longer, burying myself in some meaningless task to pass the time. Wake soon, my love. This loneliness is hard to bear.

Protected: My Serenity

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Greatest pill of all

Failing grades

Teary eyes

Fake smiles

Sickening lies

Through the real world struggle

There be the slightest chance

A world of …

A grades

Exotic eyes

Pink smiles

Gushy sighs

Something to strive for

This pill of pills

The greatest anti-D of life

My HopeleSerenity

Blind me with your light!

There is this boy, possibly a young man, talking to the woman he loves via the Skype protocol. His volatile internet connection plays havoc with his cyber love life. No, I must correct that statement. This has transcended the anonymity of the internet, the cyber realm, the world wide web. From the dreary interface of his Mac’s multi-messenger client to the poorly programmed interface of Skype, his love is being communicated digitally, day after day, night after night. This love now permeates his dying heart. This paltry boy has been on a downward spiral for years and years. He has been on the path of slow suicide and now a sudden spark has gotten his pistons pumping and his engine rumbling. A sudden jolt of hope. A glimmer of happiness.

“Come into the light”

But tis not death that beckons him, it is the real pearly gates of his his world, the open arms of a short, feisty, intelligent, creative, caring and painfully erotic woman. Her online alias mirrors the one notion that has kept him alive for so long. The promise of hope. The second portion of her alias, a promise of lasting peace and tranquility. But as the white light of her embrace shines fiercely upon me, it unfortunately cannot keep the demons of old at bay. Their claws scrape at his feet, drawing blood, inflicting immense pain. So while the shining light is surely bright enough to blind, the howls of his past are painfully loud and painfully clear.

I say to you, young man, don’t let them win. Tis a chance at happiness. At long last, a possible possibility. Wouldst thou let it go? Wouldst thou let the demons win? I surely hope not. I remember a long time ago when you felt a similar light shine down on you. Was quite a bright light indeed. That light was but a candle flame when compared to the supernova before you now. Where one simply lit the cobbled stones at your feet, this supernova lights up the very night. I suppose those demons are hard to ignore with their incessant howls and clawing claws. The pain is too much at times and you fall to your knees, with clenched fists and clenched jaw. The supernova continues to shine bright, white and vibrant.Begone, you wretched creatures!

To your words of hate, I SAY THEE NAY!

To your constant degradation, I SAY THEE NAY!

To the perpetually consuming darkness, I SAY THEE NAY!

That young man, as I’m sure you’ve learnt by my slip of tense, is me. I’ve been tossed around on the roller coaster of life. Up and down, side to side. Occasionally a low flying bird smacks into my face and the debris of a decrepit ride leaves deep gashes on my forehead. I’m on a trip upward now, here’s hoping the ride continues up, up and away to that proverbial cloud number 9.