Used

I was just in the midde of writing a post about how insecure I’m feeling at work when a workmate, and personal friend, calls me and asks for a pickup. He’s at a party with a bunch of…I guess you could call them once-upon-a-time friends. This guy’s been a mate of mine since I first came to Fiji and he just happens to be mates with a few people I absolutely abhor. I used to hang out with these guys back in the day, when I was in college. I considered them friends but when shit hit the fan, and I suffered my worst ever depression, they couldn’t put up with me and left me be…left me to wallow in my own convoluted mess. I realize that this may just be my own perception of what happened and I could very well be in the wrong here…maybe the whole thing was justified and maybe that’s not exactly how it happened. All I know is what I felt and I felt abandoned. So I don’t really consider them friends anymore and sure, I feel a little betrayed when my mate hangs with them but I can’t be a total dickhead and say “don’t hang out with them”. I haven’t reached that level yet…not quite.

Anyway, he asks me for a ride to work and I go down to pick him up. It’s bad enough, my going down there, but when i hear who all were at the party, I get a major downer. This girl who I used to speak to almost every night, someone I considered a bestie was there and she was celebrating her birthday party. Why wasn’t I invited? What makes it worse is I asked her earlier today if she was gonna be having a party  and she said no. So she lied to me. That hurts…hurts real bad. I was there for her when she went through all her problems. I gave her money, chauffeured her, consoled her when she needed it and here she is lying to me. Ever since she came into a large sum of money, she hasn’t spoken to me. I guess she doesn’t need me anymore. Maybe the whole time, she was just using me and now that she has money, she doesn’t need me anymore. Could it really be so? Are people capable of such a thing? All I know is I’m gonna get back what she owes me and leave her be. Yet again, I’ve fallen into the same old trap. I’ve been used and thrown aside.

I can’t fully express just how low this makes me feel. I’ve been hitting the tobacco a lot and got so desperate for liquor, I even drank Vodka, a drink I despise. I’m struggling to find the words to describe exactly what I’m feeling right now. I can’t think straight and it’s making my writing incoherent. I really thought she was my friend but maybe now, I’ll finally learn….learn that some people, like me, are destined to never have friends but be used. I’m destined for a lonely, solitary life filled with alcohol and drugs.

If she could read this post (I know she most certainly can but I doubt she’ll ever stumble upon this site), i wonder what she’d say? Am I reading too much into all this? All I’m left with is this sinking, empty feeling and a bunch of questions. Two specifically stand out:

Do I have any real friends in the world?

Will I ever be content?

I hate feeling like this

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~ by nav on December 7, 2008.

4 Responses to “Used”

  1. Hey Nav,
    Hi.
    Look i read through ur post. And it reminded me of myself. I used to be just the same. I din’t do drugs and alcohol coz i was locked up at home under tight restrictions. And hell no. Believe me there is no type of person that is meant to live life lonely. Nobody. not today, not tomorrow. But surely in the near future u’ll have someone. Tell you what? I learnt this lesson in my lonely life. When people don’t walk to u …u walk to them. If u feel that u’ve done so much for ur friends and ur still left out …believe me i used to think same thing taht people use and throw. Nav, thats what this world is made up of. Use and throw. But that should not let u depress urself down. There are people in this world who think of u. If u feel they are not, then why not take up the challenge? Take up the challenge to find out who thinks of u. The world is so big. And we’re so small. Yet its true that there is HOPE. This one word means a lot actually. I dint slit my wrist 3 months back because of HOPE. Hope that one things will be alright. Hope that one day someone will need u. And i was right. All u need Nav, is some time. Give life a chance. Take care

    • Thanks so very much for your comments. I really appreciate it. I do agree, Hope is a beautiful thing and it’s what has kept me going for so long. I’ve been through this before and I’ve gone down really low but Hope has always pulled me up. I’m guessing it’s gonna be the same here. But it still doesn’t stop the present hurt.

      I’m also glad you “used” to be like this…emphasis on “used” It helps to know there’s people that have gone through it all and have come out okay

  2. Our greatest glory is not in never falling…but in getting up every time we fall..

  3. “Do I have any real friends in the world?”

    Yo! Don’t forget your cuz man! He is always there for your ass!

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