Afraid of staying dead

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. My original aim of writing an erotic story has fallen through. I quit! I can’t bloody think! Since my last post, I’ve been in this perpetually blank state. Been eating a lot, sleeping a lot, watching pRon, playing computer games, listening to music (no particularly good bands) and mindlessly surfing the internet. I’ve barely left my home. Christmas and New Years were spent at work. Sounds pretty pathetic, don’t it? Well, I agree…it’s been a shit coupla weeks for me.

When suddenly, I had an epiphany! 

I realized I’m just wasting time. I have goals but I procrastinate too much. And I don’t have much time left really. My excessive drinking and smoking has finally caught up with me. For a guy who barely gets any exercise and eats too much, it’s not a good idea to add to your health problems with alcohol and drug abuse. So naturally I start thinking about my mortality. I’m sure we’ve all thought about it at some point in our lives. I’ve always had this nihilistic approach to life. Nothing mattered to me, not family, not friends, not religion. But now, I’m  afraid. I don’t know how to put this but I’m not really afraid of dying…I’m afraid of staying dead. When I die, is that the end? Christians believe in heaven and hell, and most religions believe in some form of afterlife. They have the faith necessary to believe in such things but for me, I’m left with no comfort. There’s so many things I’d like to do with my life or to be more accurate, there are so many things I’d like to have experienced. There are millions of mistakes that I can’t reverse. And don’t tell me to learn from them and move on. Some things stay with you forever. One wrong turn can affect you forever. Have you ever played Fable? It was once a popular game where the choices you make on your adventures can influence the game’s ending and your character’s story. Once I finished the game for the first time, I started over again, choosing a different path this time… one of good rather than evil. Of course life isn’t so black and white and we don’t have the option of starting over.. or do we? Do you believe in resurrection? I do… well, I think I do. I don’t know if I can wholeheartedly believe in resurrection but the notion gives me some comfort. There are some that believe after death we’ll be resurrected in another form, in a new environment with new memories. I pray that’s true. I’d like to be reborn and experience the things I never experienced when I was younger. Just knowing that I may get the chance is enough for me.

Am I making a lick of sense?

Oh man, it’s been too long since I’ve used my brain. Reading through this I sound so much like a rambling teen… it’s scary considering my age.


~ by nav on January 15, 2009.

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