Sick…mind, body and soul.

It’s close to 3am here in Fiji. Yes, I live in Fiji. It’s considered paradise by many but it really is just like any other place, full of crazies, disease and unemployment. It’s a filthy spot on the world map and if you peer down from horribly interfaced hell that is Google Earth, you’ll see a dark spot, dark within dark, the sort of dar that’s darker than dark. That dark is me. Sure I’m brown but I’m not being literal here. My darkness is a colored extension of my mind at this current moment. Dark thoughts everywhere, come one, come all! The urge to take a hundred pills and sleep an everlasting sleep is at the fron of my mind. I’ve used up the last of my Zolpidem so I don’t have anything to put me to sleep now. I’ve taken my cold & flu meds but that unfortunately doesn’t seem to knock me out. So I’m sitting at my computer, typing out all the depressing thought racing through my head. I need an outlet. I fear I’m going to push away one of the few friends I have by speaking further ill on MSN messenger. It’s the trend, you see. I never have anything for too long. Be it love, money, friendship or happiness. The only feeling that stays with me is deep, debilitating sadness. I don’t know what depression is, I don’t pretend to. By saying I’m depressed, I just feel like one of the flock. It’s so common these days. The term is almost trite.

“I am depressed” – No that doesn’t seem to help me.

“I am sad, lonely, tired of living this futile life and want out” – Getting warmer.

“I am nothing and will continue to be nothing” – Bingo!

Do my words make sense? I suppose not. To be fair, nothing I ever say makes much sense. I’m a man of hypocrisy. I attempt to help the depressed by saying that which I barely believe myself. How can I be of any help? I feel as if my soul purpose in this world is to waste bandwidth and bless you lord for giving me such little bandwidth. Guess that’s a metaphor really. The lord provides me with life but oh so very little. Along the way, my packets are lost, somewhere in the bowels of TCP/IP. I am a dial-up connection ina  world of broadband. Of course there are others worse off than me so why am I so darn depressed? (Oh there we go with that D word again) I have food, clothes, a family (not particularly loving or caring but that may be due to our awkwardness with showing real emotion), a Macbook (getting old but still running), an iPhone (my second love) and a girl living millions of miles away who loves me so much. I don’t have many friends, if any, outside the internet but I have so much already. So why am I so bloody depressed? (I honestly hate that D word). My past? Barely had an eventful one. Spent most of my time playing video games.Maybe that’s what I’m missing; history. While living in Hawaii I had some good times but I don’t remember them too well. Coming here I’ve had nothing but misery and while I don’t remember exactly what brought that on in my childhood, I know it haunts me to this day.

So as I sit here, waiting for the drugs to kick in and make me drowsy enough to sleep, I ponder my existence, the futility of my being and just who’d care if I were to ‘end game’.

To those that I know reading this post, I am sorry for saying such disheartening things. I can not stop these thoughts.

I’m sorry for the jumbled mess that is this post. As you can see my mind is quite incoherent. Actually this post is a lot better than my mind. I wonder how bad I’ll feel when I stop writing. Too many “I’s” for one post.



~ by nav on June 25, 2009.

2 Responses to “Sick…mind, body and soul.”

  1. thankyou for your words 🙂

    your words ring true with me.
    i was depressed last year for 10 months almost; it was such a waste
    have you tried getting anti depressants & talking to a professional about how you feel, these helped me
    & i’ve been living a healthy happy life ever since
    i can feel your pain through reading your words & i understand exactly how you feel, but you can pull through this but, ONLY you can change your situation!
    hopefully you feel better soon

  2. I am currently on prozac. Thinking of increasing the dose. Psych seems to prefer throwing meds at me than actually helping me out through counseling.

    Thanks for the kind words. I’m definitely working on improving my situation.

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