When will it stop!?

I just want it to stop! It’s pouring rain tonight. Cold, damp, dark. It’s the perfect habitat for misery. With no one to hold, no one to talk to but little icons on my instant messenger clients. No voice, reassuring or otherwise. This rain will pass, just as I’m sure this low, down, dirty feeling will eventually subside. It’s a given. I’m like a yo-yo, twisting in a circle as I’m lowered down to the ground. A few bumps and bruises and with a little jerk, I’m spiraling all the way up again. It’s a hell of a ride! Queasiness sets in. Ever have that feeling where there’s a million bugs inside you, eating away at your stomach walls, ready to spread out and contaminate your other organs? there’s so many metaphors I can use. So many ways to describe this… I’m trying to pick and choose the right words to spell out, as accurately as I can, what I’m feeling right now. Misery? Sadness? Hate? Loneliness? Depression? Which word shall I use? My mind is a mesh of jumbled words. Feel like I’m caught in the middle of this busy city full of drunks, stumbling about, knocking into me. Ah, there I go with the metaphors again. A fly caught in a web? An elderly man on his deathbed waiting for the end. How ignorant of me to assume that’s how a dying man feels or how a fly feels caught in that silky smooth death grip of a spider’s web. How not so ignorant of me to identify these feelings as depression. Or is that ignorance? blinded by society and it’s perception of mental illness? I’m rambling aren’t I? Don’t know how to stop that. I hurts, hurts so bad inside me right now. I’ve taken my prozac, my zolpidem. I’m tempted to take a few of my dad’s pills and sleep an everlasting sleep. Do I have the guts to do it? I don’t think so. I’ve lost friends, made enemies and now it’s time to walk away from it all. I’ve even found love or what I think is love. Heart racing, incessant smiling. Is that not love? If it is, why do I still feel self-doubt, self-loathing, depression!? Someone give me some easy answers, some pills to dull the pain. There’s an easy way out but with it comes no 2nd chance. It either you do or you don’t. When you do, you’re done, done, done in. There’s no checkpoint with auto-save. You end it, you start again. No wait, you don’t. There’s no restart. So tell me what choice do I have? continue down this perpetually dark road or veer off into the bushes and over that awe inspiring cliff where the tourists of yesterday sang merry songs and hugged merry kids. “Let’s all celebrate our vacation with a picture, kids!” But no, poor kid had to see something. He screams “Mommy!!! Mommy!!!” She races to his side, obviously worried, preparing her arms for the onslaught of hugs and crying kids. There he lay, or rather I lay. Birds pecking at my half-eaten face, picking me off one by one. The noose around my neck still as tight as ever. Can you imagine a man in his early twenties, a brown man, dangling off the rails at some historical monument, some amazing, breathtaking scene, feet dangling, eyes long since plopped out by the birds. Can you imagine what those kids saw? yes, it was/is a terrible site. That will be me or may be me. I don’t know. Note the zolpidem kicking in? Well you should. I’m rambling x2, it’s getting worse. Quickly, I must leave…

END GAME

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~ by nav on July 7, 2009.

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