Krush, Kill n Destroy

The train tracks close to my temporary home are quite exotic. I have never lived close to a train station before. There’s a romantic feel to it. The steep climb up a little wooden bridge, overlooking the train tracks to the imposing figure of the train itself. You know it takes just a little step over the edge as the train makes its way northward to get krushed and ground up into minced Nav. I have contemplated it many times since coming here. The incredible ease of taking one’s life. It hasn’t been an easy transition for me, moving to New Zealand. I don’t know a soul, loneliness hits me hundredfold in this region. I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail at college and I’ll fail at my budding semi-new online relationship. With such anxiety, I’m bound to panic and this has only exacerbated my depression. The fear is choking me. Every night I think about that train, about being krushed under its heavy weight, slammed into oblivion. I fear my depression has made me a terrible mess. Chaotic thoughts, one step away from instant death. Why do they put those yellow lines warning us of the train threat? It just makes it worse. Am I insane in wanting to be krushed, killed and destroyed?

I need help.

Someone help me avoid the path to self-destruction.

I’ll make it worth your while.

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~ by nav on July 23, 2009.

2 Responses to “Krush, Kill n Destroy”

  1. hey, sorry about how things are going at the moment. I’m sure they’ll get better. You got me thinking about train tracks again though. They don’t have to have a destructive imagery attached to them. They are fascinating, and can be metaphors for much more. Tracks leading, new paths, intricacies. NZ may away a way but it’ll just take time till you’re settled in. Things always take time. And in the meanwhile, just try hang in there kay? *isgonnabeok*

    • “Is gonna be ok” is something I’ve heard many times over. The meaning has become somewhat trite…for me at least

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